


My reality is different

by thedaisnear



Category: International Classification of Diseases - World Health Organization
Genre: Abuse, Dreams and Nightmares, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Family Issues, Horror, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:22:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28778979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedaisnear/pseuds/thedaisnear
Kudos: 1





	1. Bad Days and Bad Nights

Sasha was in her bed, she couldn't sleep she thought about hurting herself, but didn't have the strength to carry it out. She brushed her hands on her wounded arms, and then her shoulders. She then reached down to her stomach, where she had scratched words into her skin. Fat, freak and his name. She shivered at the thought of him being around her, like he normally is.

Before she wouldn't be allowed to talk about him, he wouldn't like that. However, now he likes that attention because when Sasha talks about him, she fears him more. He likes that, he wants that. She would oversleep because he would keep her up, and now on her new medication it was difficult. She was still suffering from the side effects of her previous medication, her feeling sick and tired all of the time. She wouldn't eat three meals a day, like at home with her dad or her mum. 

She would buy less food to save money, and spend it on stuff she would never need, and she knew what she did was wrong. She felt stupid because he didn't have a job, she never had a job. She did do work experience during her college course, but it was never a real job. She couldn't sleep, she would try and take the edge off but having some time to herself, with herself, but however she would freak out because her thoughts would shift back to him.

Sasha she moved her hand away, and pulled up her knickers and pyjama bottoms. She traced her skin on her arms, it was bumpy but she wanted her wounds to be deeper, and more bold. She didn't mind her the scars or the pain. She knew her family would judge but not her friends, since they go through similar things. She gave a out a long sigh, and he spoke "You are bored?". Sasha whispered "No I'm just tired". Sasha sat up, and adjusted her pillows. She saw him standing at the end of her bed. 

Sasha held her breath, she couldn't tear her eyes away from him. She felt safe knowing that if he kept looking at him, he was stay put and not come any closer. She compared him to the weeping angels from doctor who, the only rule is don't blink, right. He spoke "You ate too much today". Sasha spoke "I'm sorry I was hungry, and my flatmate wanted pizza so we ordered some". He growled "What the fuck have I told, eat very little or...". Sasha finished with a whisper "...or don't eat at all".

He sat down at the end of the bed, his hand inches away from her feet. She moved her feet, and adjusted her sitting position. He smiled and laughed "Did you do what I asked?". Sasha rolled her sleeves, and she showed her wounds. Her skin had some superficial injuries, which caused dried blood to gather on her skin. He looked at her arms, and then at her. She looked down, she knew what was coming. "You're weak, this is barely a paper cut, I want more". Sasha argued "It hurts too much, I don't want to bleed out". He snarled and sped towards her, he sat on her legs to hold her still. 

Sasha whimpered, and he grabbed her wrists and held her down. She shut her eyes hoping he would just fade away, but how long could she keep this up. She couldn't escape his voice, and she cried out softly. His cold body on top of her, making her feel numb and helpless. She whispered his name "Jonathan, don't hurt me please". She was begging him. He sighed "Are you going to listen?". He growled and his voice turned into a snarl "Are you going to listen to me?". Sasha whimpered "Yes, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry". Jonathan was stern "Prove it".

Sasha opened her eyes "What?". Jonathan snapped "I want you to prove it to me?". Sasha croaked "How?". He sighed "Tomorrow I want you to sleep naked, so I feel you". Sasha softly cried "Jonathan, it's freezing you know how cold this room is?". Jonathan smiled "Good, then you will finally learn your lesson, if you will eat then you will freeze, with me by your side, holding you still". Sasha sighed "Okay, fine I will do it". Jonathan laughed "You say it like you have a choice in the matter, you don't and if you tell anyone tomorrow then it will be a week".

Sasha nodded "I know, I'm sorry". Jonathan breathed out in her face. He was cold, and she shivered. He joked "Cold are you?". She looked away. He leaned forward "Just a little taste of tomorrow" he laughed. Sasha nodded, and he then disappeared. She sat herself up, and rubbed her wrists her hands her cold and grabbed her baby blanket and her pink fluffy blanket and wrapped herself to keep warm. She was even more awake then she was before. She knew that he would be gone for the evening, so she have some quiet. However, this wasn't the end of it for her.


	2. The Fight

Sasha followed his request, and did it again the next night. She knew that she had no other choice. She froze the entire night. Shivering in her sleep, and having more nightmares. No more nice dreams. Even though the nightmares were recurring, she was always scared. It was always about she was slow at running, how she couldn't swim or how she too weak to fight back. She would wake up with scratch marks on her legs and arms. Her body was already scarred from how many times she had hurt herself since she was thirteen. Nothing had changed. 

She woke up the next day, and was normal, no breakfast, no lunch only tea and maybe some orange juice. She sat in her room, and continued planning her essay. She was a university student and lived with one other person. He knew somewhat of what was going on, but not all. Sasha was invited to go to her friend's flat for a celebration. Her friend Jane had a new job, as she had been struggling to find one for quite some time. There were other friends with her, and she they ordered food and watched YouTube together. It was nice until the following moment came. 

Jane wanted to get high, and carry on drinking so did her best friend Charlotte. Sasha's other friends Mia and Ava were drinking a little but she had sworn off drinking since the events that happened around Ava's birthday. Then Jonathan appeared, Sasha knew what was going to happen and had no way of getting out of it. She ate too much food and he was waiting for her. Sasha's friends had a good understanding but she never shared everything with anyone, and it had to be that way. Sasha froze until Charlotte if anyone wanted to join herself and Jane. Sasha immediately answered "No, I need to get going anyway". Sasha started packing her stuff. 

Jane spoke "Why are you leaving?". Sasha replied not making eye contact with the others. "I just have to go, I feel like I've overstayed my welcome". Jane was baffled and so were the others, and Sasha continued to pack her things. Jane spoke "Ava, can we borrow your room, me and Sasha need to talk". Sasha dropped her bag, and grabbed her phone and went to talk to Jane. Jane started to speak"I've noticed that you have been leaving early when you have been coming here, what's the problem?".

Sasha saw Jonathan and he walked towards her. He snarled "Do not give too many details". Sasha spoke "Nothing is the matter so I don't know why we need to talk". Jane replied "There is an issue, and I want you to talk to me, because I am here for you". Sasha spoke "I understand that, but I am not ready to talk". Jane sighed "Why won't you talk to me?". Sasha was about to speak, but she felt Jonathan's hand on her shoulder. Sasha gave an almost snarl "Because all of the shit that you have been through...". Sasha knew that sentence would hurt Jane, but it was almost like Jonathan was forcing her to speak. 

Sasha carried but her tone had changed from tearful to stone cold "My problems are abysmal compared to yours". Jonathan smiled and spoke "Good girl, now leave" he growled. Jane was speaking but Sasha couldn't hear her, the fear of what Jonathan would make her do when she went back washed over her. She froze and block the sound of Jane's voice. Until she snapped out of it, and small tears flooded out of her eyes. Sasha with her firm tone spoke "I'm going to go home now, I will see you whenever". Jane looked angry and upset, and Sasha left Ava's room, and told the group that she is leaving and they would see her soon. She finished packing, and then left. 

Sasha walked home, it was dark, it was late anything could happen and she was capable of anything. She arrived home, messaged her parents and then told her flatmate that she was back. She wanted to scream and cry. She then grabbed the blade from the drawer, and slashed it across her arms, neck, shoulders and legs. She wanted to bleed, she was told to bleed. She then put on her leggings and top on and then a towel on the bed, she didn't want her white bedsheets to get blood on them. 

She burst silently into tears and collapsed on the floor. After a few moments she jumped into bed, and left him holding her still. Breathing down her neck, his arm wrapped around her stomach, holding her tightly. He spoke "Good, I didn't even have to remind you of your punishment". He stroked her face "We need to talk tomorrow" he smiled. "I hope you are ready. Sasha sighed, but her voice was still stern "I'm ready, Jonathan".


	3. Our Daily Routine

She woke up with Jonathan standing at the end of the bed, she had taken her antidepressants as per usual. They made her tired and sick. She then felt a burst of pain when moved herself on the bed. Her legs hurt, but not as badly as last time. Sasha pulled her leggings with her knickers, then her top and took her small mirror a placed it on her desk. She looked her body. It was cut, bruised on some areas and her wounds would turn into red and brown scars, but she didn't know that yet.

She grabbed her towel s d wrapped it around her body and walked into the bathroom. She turned on the shower, and brushed her teeth as she waited for a water to warm up. She dreaded the next moment, a flatmate was at work that day and had already left. She knew she could cry out as loud as she could because no one would hear her, no one would judge her and no one would come to her aid. She stepped into the shower and felt the hot water burn her skin. She didn't realise that it was hotter than usual, but didn't step back or turn down the heat. 

Sasha froze in that moment. She let the water slip into her open wounds all over her body, and the deeper ones were still bleeding. She silently cried herself, and then she can turn you to wash your body with soap which she knew would make everything worse. She scrubbed her body and it made them bleed, just like she wanted them too, and just like you wanted them too. She rinsed her body of all the soap and turned off the shower. She stepped out of the shower and wrap the towel around her body. She then walked to her bedroom, and then picked her clothes out for the day. She moisturised her body but avoided her wounds because she knew the cream would make make it sting. Sasha than put plasters on her bleeding wounds and then put her clothes on. 

She then put her laptop on her desk and turned it on. She then went into the kitchen to make some tea but she didn't eat anything, she would never eat breakfast. She sat down at her desk and continue to do work, like she was supposed too and like she needed too. Jonathan stood behind her and his arms on her shoulders. He held her tightly, and he leaned down and spoke "You know what you have to do..." He started. Then is voice turned into a snarl "Now do it!" He commanded. Sasha then started her work and carried on until late into the day with no food and hardly any rests.


	4. Round Two

The next day was a challenge for Sasha, if only she knew what would happen. Who would be with her, and if only she kept her fucking mouth shut like she is supposed to. 

Sasha was sitting in her bed, she had a long day and finished her work for the day. Jonathan was even a little proud of her, but only a little. She had something to eat, but it wasn't a lot, and she took her medication and went to bed. However, she wasn't tired. It was getting closer to midnight, and for a couple of days she had been ignoring Jane and the others. She then finally messaged Jane, and Jonathan was so angry. She carries on and didn't stop, and then invited her over. Jane said she finishes work at midnight, and afterwards she would come over.

Sasha waited, and around midnight Jane knocked on the door, and they both went into the bedroom. The conversation between Jane and Sasha was friendly, a little too friendly. Jane was upset, and Sasha knew but ignored it. Then Jane started to ask questions, and she Sasha tried her best not to answer them but she couldn't help it. Sasha knew that to keep them both happy she had to vague. Jane explained how worried she and the others were, they had not talks for days. 

Sasha spoke half trues, she had things that been difficult and didn't know why. However, Jane could she right past her lies, and confronted her. Sasha could either do one of two things. Number one, cave in and tell jane everything or number two be mean and get jane to leave. Sasha froze for moment, she ignored what Jane said, and then yelled at her leave. Jonathan smiled and spoke "Good girl, now tell her to piss off". Sasha couldn't do that, she really didn't want to hurt Jane. 

Jane started to cry, and Sasha wanted to apologise but couldn't. Sasha had so many thoughts and emotions going through her head. She had no idea what to do. If she said anything Jonathan would be angry, and if she told Jane her real issues. Jane wouldn't believe her. She would hate her. Sasha had in the back of her head all the time that Jane had been through the worst thing imaginable. How could she tell someone her abysmal problems, compared to Jane who went through actual Hell. 

Sasha snapped out of her thoughts and asked Jane to leave. Jane had put her foot down, and said she wasn't going anywhere. Jonathan was screaming at her "Make her leave now or otherwise". He didn't finish. Sasha froze in fear, she knew what Jane was thinking about her, and she had to end this. She had to make her go away, it was the only way. Even though Sasha didn't want her to leave. She wanted her to stay and hold her and tell her everything would be okay. She wanted Jane to protect her, but wasn't her job. It was his. 

In those moments, Sasha snapped back into her own reality. She knew that Jonathan was here for a good reason, and he had to stay. Jane was talking him away from her, and Sasha couldn't let her. Sasha then growled at Jane and told her to go. She explained how didn't need her, or anyone because they wouldn't be there for her in years to come. Sasha explained that everyone has left her, and she didn't anyone but him. Jonathan smiled, and laughed "Good girl". Jonathan held Sasha towards him, making her his. 

After a few moments, Jane explained that Sasha was in denial, and needed help and real friends. Sasha argued, and this went on for hours. It was a constant fight, and Sasha explained that everything was better before she met Jane. She knew what she said was wrong, but needed her to stay away. She didn't want it to hurt so much when they would leave each other. Sasha then walked Jane out of the door, and explained that she might see her again. Jane smiled and spoke "I hope you understand that he is not good for you". Then she left to go to her home. 

Sasha sat in her bed, and she saw Jonathan move closer. Sasha was on her phone. Sasha spoke "What?" and stared at Jonathan. He growled at her "You will not speak to me, this way!". Sasha froze and tears started steaming down her face. Sasha flinched and grabbed her baby blanket. She needed it more then ever. It was one of the things that would keep her safe, in her own reality. She had to make sure that everything was real, and she wouldn't drift away, and slip away into another nightmare, but she knew it was too late by then.


	5. Normality is Needed

Jane's birthday was happening soon, and Sasha knew she was already in trouble and she needed to act normal . She needed to go and see her, and be with her. It was the least that she could to do. It was her special day, and she wanted to try make things better. However, Jonathan hated that idea, and wanted Sasha to stay. The times she didn't listen, always ended badly but it was a price she was willing to pay. Sasha was finishing her work, and the party was in an hour. 

She was getting ready and making her way to see Jane, and her other friends. She wore a dress with long socks, a similar style to what Jane wear. When Sasha was walking to pharmacy to pick up her medication, she had older men look at her like a piece of meat. Sasha knew that her dad would say not to dress like that, but she liked the attention to some extent. It was similar to way Jonathan was before. She made her way to Jane's flat, and she her friends for the first time in weeks. 

Jane wanted to dye Sasha's hair, and she didn't think she was allowed because of the way her dad reacted last time, but either way she agreed. It look a while, and afterwards Jane did Sasha's makeup, and they even smoked some weed together. Sasha didn't want to admit it, but deep down she enjoyed the time she spent with her. They laughed and had fun, and after the hair and make up was finished Sasha had the urge to say something. 

Jonathan put his hand on her shoulders. His grip had tightened. Sasha was scared and nervous, and she already feeling shaky from the weed. Sasha spoke "I would to say sorry for the way I spoke to you before". Jane smiled "I've already forgiven you, I know you didn't mean of it, that wasn't you but I want you to forgive yourself because you never do that". Sasha felt safe around her for moment, like her life was her own. However, soon enough that was going to change. Jonathan placed his hands on her shoulders, and increased his grip. Sasha felt cold and much discomfort. She had hidden her pain from her, and clutched the wrist to distract her pain.

Sasha heard Jonathan snarling in her ear. "What the fuck are you doing?". She was about to answer him but she knew she couldn't, not with Jane in the same room as her. Sasha gave a fake smile and spoke "I know, it's hard but I know I can do it". Jane actually looked happy and impressed, and felt even relaxed around her. Jane then left the room, and went into the kitchen to get a drink. Sasha spoke "Please let me handle this, I can fix it just trust me". Jonathan snarled "I've given you enough chances, but know I am going to take matters into my own hands, as per usual". Sasha spoke "What can I do to make it up to you? Please Jonathan tell me!". 

Jonathan smiled "There are a few things you can do, and if you some how cannot do those, then there are some alternatives which might be enough". Sasha whispered "Whatever you want, I promise". Jonathan walked towards her, and looked down at her. He crouched down, and moved his hands on her legs, and then her hands, then her shoulders and then her face. He leaned forward and kissed her on her cheek. It was cold, on her warm skin. Jane walked in, and it made Sasha jump.

Jane asked "Are you okay?". Sasha faked a smile "Yeah I'm fine, I can never get over how loud that door is". Jane spoke "Are you sure you are okay, do you think you have had too much weed?". Sasha smiled "Yeah, I definitely feel a bit funny. Jane smiled and helped Sasha finish her makeup. Sasha was scared, Jonathan was behind her the entire time, watching her. Sasha knew he was nothing down every bad choice she made, for later. The party continued, they opened presents, played drinking games and ordered takeaway. 

Sasha knew that charlotte had to go in the morning, and so she was getting ready to leave. Jonathan saw her chance and pushed her to it. Sasha spoke "I should go as well. I've got lots of work to do, but I hope you have a good birthday Jane". Jane was tired and Sasha hugged everyone, and then Ava spoke "come back soon we miss you". Sasha nodded and smiled, not giving a verbal answer. Sasha left and Mia and Blair walked her home. Sasha messaged her parents, and said goodnight. Her friends sent her a message that they go back okay. 

Sasha knew she did a lot of things wrong that night. She apologised to Jane, and she ate more food than she was supposed to. Jonathan was angry, and he knew that her punishments would be dire. He told her that he had demands that she must follow otherwise she would have to accept the alternative consequences. Sasha spoke "It depends on what you ask of me, you know I won't be to do...". He interrupted her "You don't make the decisions around here, unless you want me to do". Sasha cried out "No, don't go...don't leave me". He turned to face her, he voice started off with a low growl "Everything I do is for you, and you need to listen to me...". 

Sasha knew she did a lot of things wrong that night. She apologised to Jane, and she ate more food than she was supposed to. Jonathan was angry, and he knew that her punishments would be dire. He told her that, she was in complete control of what she did, and that's is why she she had to be punished. Jonathan growled "I want you to do it, in front of me". Sasha removed her clothes, and she slowly burst into tears Jonathan snarled "You disappoint me, Sasha". That was the worst thing anyone could ever say to her. That hurt her more than anything has.


	6. Her Fear Festers

Sasha did talk about her nightmares whenever the topic was raised. Jane had some horrible nightmare's from her childhood, and she had so many issues with her parents and brother. They were horrible. Sasha was lucky not to group what Jane had gone though, and she did compare herself to Jane. Sometimes other people would as well, and this included the friends she lived with. 

Sasha knew, but she always had in the thought in the back of mind that she was doing this on purpose. She wondered if people thought she was doing this on purpose. She wondered if they hated her for it, but the thought was always there because she never asked directly. Sasha's nightmares were around the same topic, her fears. Sometimes they were on events that did happen, and others were on events that could happen. 

Sasha knew what she had gone through, but sometimes she could not remember how it started, how it finished or sometimes what happened in between. Her nightmares would use that to keep her scared and contained. Jonathan would play with her fears, and he knew what would scare her the almost. Sasha hated feeling cold, but more she hated being too warm because that would mean have to be bare. 

That would mean she would have to be vulnerable. She did not want to be vulnerable with someone who scared her. Her nightmares would be mainly about him, as well as other people in her life. Morgan, her old best friend was in her nightmares back in secondary school. Sasha's relationship with Morgan was different. Morgan had a crush on Sasha, and she knew it. Sasha only brought it up years later. 

Morgan had been kicked out of their house, when they were seventeen, and currently lives in a hostel. Morgan did visit Sasha in her first year of university, but have not really talked since. Morgan admitted that they wanted to hurt her, and take her. Whatever that means? Sasha was more scared of Morgan, then she let on, but not as afraid of Morgan, then she was of Jonathan. 

Sasha had boyfriend in secondary school, it was never really a proper relationship. Sasha thought it was 'stupid kids stuff that was not real'. Sasha knew what happened to her was real, and did not think it was that serious until she spoke about it. Her boyfriend was not her boyfriend at the time when it happened. 

What happened was that he groped her, and touched her where she did not want. Even when she said no he still carried on. Her parents were downstairs, and she did to say anything, she did not she scream or cry or anything. Then she found the words, and she told him to leave. She stood at the top of the stairs and walked him go, and never spoke of word of what happen until much later on. 

The worst part was it was in her own house, in her bedroom. Her bedroom was her safe space where she was free to be herself, where she could to talk to anyone. It was not in a public space where she would never have to go back to, it was in her bedroom. Sasha tried not to let it effect her, but she could not think of the room having the same safe feeling anymore. 

She was happy she moved out of that house, and that area where he was. She would never have to see him again. However, at the same time she would never see her friends again, or the ones she had left anyway. Even now she is not in contact with many people from secondary school. She sometimes does miss the house, and her room.

The best part would be her built-in wall cupboard, she was hide in their and read books or anything else. She had fairy lights and pillows and all of her teddies, despite her being too old for them. However, it was lock from the outside, so a few times she would trap herself in, or her brother would prank her and lock her in. She hated that.

There were other incidents but some she was not ready to talk about, they were just too much for her right now. With that particular incident she hated being touched, when she was feeling lower than usual. Jane and Sasha would share a bed when she went to see her and stay the night. Jane would hold her, and Sasha would not mind. When her hand would move to other parts of her body she could not help but think of her ex-boyfriend, but that would quickly pass because she knew he was not here. 

The only real fear she had was Jonathan. Sasha would tense up, and his angry and disappointed face was in front of her. Even when she closed her eyes, the image was burned in her mind. He voice would snarl and growl in her ear. Whatever he said would make her cry and shiver, and her heartbeat would increase and her breathing would tremble. Then the fear would still live and rot inside of her, and there was nothing she could do to stop it and him.


	7. Back At Home When I Do Not Want To Be

Sasha was back at home when she did not want to be. However, she had fun when she was with her family, but nearing the end of her visit she wanted to be back at university, with her flatmate and her friends.

"Isn't that the biggest lie I have ever told..."

Sasha wanted to be home, so she would have control again, she had put on weight which really affected her, and she noticed. She looked at least two months pregnant when she looked at herself. She was happy that she did have her high waisted jeans, and her tight leggings to hold it in. She knew what she had to do when she was back at her university accommodation. 

More stressed arrived when she knew her birthday was coming closer, she was going to be 20. There are so many thing she thought that she should have done by now, that other people had already experienced. Sasha never had a job before, but she did do work experience. She did not pass her driving test, but she has had a lot of lessons. Like her other friends both old and new ones, they have had sex before and she had not. 

She has never been in the situation when someone has asked her, and her friend Jane lost her virginity when she was 17, and even her childhood friend Katie had done it, and she was not really interested in doing anything like that when they last spoke. However, that was a while ago and it was her own fault for not keeping in touch with her best friend. Sasha always felt bad about not being in touch with others. She knew she was a shit person, and had to be better.

She did not think anyone could like, and she already hated the way she looked. Sasha hated her skin, the hair in places that she knew others girls did not have. She could make a very long list, and she does not know what would make her like herself. She tolerated the body she was stuck in, it was like a cage of low self-esteem.

Sasha also had another problem, she didn't want gain weight. She was small, and she could never handle it. She always try to watch what she eat, but then she loose control and eat more than what she was supposed to. She never really did a diet, but her religion would allow her to fast, and she would enjoy that. Not eating all day, and eat in the evening. Jonathan was impressed, when she did it.

When Sasha was younger, she would fast with her family every couple of months. She didn't feel tired when she didn't eat, she was okay. Her mum told her that the idea of it was cleanse her and be greatfull for the food she was eating. Which she always was. Jonathan liked the idea she didn't eat as much. Sasha liked the idea at the beginning, she wouldn't snack or eat sugar so it felt great for her. Sasha knew that he was happy, then she was. She just wants him to be proud.

Sasha remembered him being proud of her, and that was she wanted. Whatever he wanted she did, and still does now. Even if she doesn't like it. She remembered that her dad would tell her that she will do things that she wouldn't like, but would have to do it anyway. That was a life lesson that stuck with her. Even until this very day.

Even in college, it became an issues she wanted to be in a relationship, and wanted to do things that other girls did. Then even more at university, when other girls had definitely done things she wanted to do. She wondered if boys or even girls liked her. For a while she was talking to this much older man, who wanted to do things to her, and she liked it, and wanted it but was scared to actually do it.

She had a similar situation with an older woman, but she was younger and had not idea how she would actually go through it. How would she hide it from her parents and siblings. She didn't want her friends to judge her, which she knew they wouldn't but still felt funny about talking about who she liked. The funny thing is, she told her friend's group and Jane even joked that she has both mummy and daddy issues, which is not far from the truth.

"I mean that is why Jonathan is here...".


End file.
